The setting is the eve of the Battle of Trafalgar...
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew put up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
" I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety..... Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"
"In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
General Topics
Post a replyOrders For Trafalgar
8 posts
hahah very good one m8 
very nice 
On second thought - arent there kids reading these forums? Have the legal aids infested lawyers not yet rated this humor to be restricted to those above a certain age limit?
After filing a lawsuit against Buxton, one of the lawyers tripped over his own shoelace and decided to cancel the action and launch against the shoe company for not putting a warning on the shoes about hazards if shoelaces are left undone.
Good one this Buxton . I saw it last week somewhere .
Who was it had the idea of using that HMS Belfast December weekend to shell parliament ?
An interesting thing I read also , was , that Nelson had first ordered "confides " that every man will do his duty , however an officer pionted out that it did not belong to the then signal code , and would require many additional flags to be signalled , and , that upon receiving the message , there were mutterings , because the word " expects " had some implication - probably as if it was beyond question that duty would be done . ( My guess is that the word ' confides ' which Nelson ordered , was understood differently 199 years ago - but I don't know what would be used nowadays )
Another point is , that it was Britain , not ' England ' , but signal flags had not caught up since the Union in about 1603 ( again 202 years -BEFORE Trafalgar ! ) when King James the sixth became also James the first of England .
I believe at that Trafalgar , the British Fleet consisted of many other nationalities , besides the ' Home ' Countries , and many Americans were amongst them .
At that time still , many Americans were taken off US ships and pressed into service in the British Navy , likewise many Britons , when their ships were captured decided ( but of volition rather than by force ) to join US ships - thus the excuse for pressing US citizens into the British Navy was used , that they were really British !
Things were simpler then - no green card - no visas - and thank God no political correctness !
Who was it had the idea of using that HMS Belfast December weekend to shell parliament ?
An interesting thing I read also , was , that Nelson had first ordered "confides " that every man will do his duty , however an officer pionted out that it did not belong to the then signal code , and would require many additional flags to be signalled , and , that upon receiving the message , there were mutterings , because the word " expects " had some implication - probably as if it was beyond question that duty would be done . ( My guess is that the word ' confides ' which Nelson ordered , was understood differently 199 years ago - but I don't know what would be used nowadays )
Another point is , that it was Britain , not ' England ' , but signal flags had not caught up since the Union in about 1603 ( again 202 years -BEFORE Trafalgar ! ) when King James the sixth became also James the first of England .
I believe at that Trafalgar , the British Fleet consisted of many other nationalities , besides the ' Home ' Countries , and many Americans were amongst them .
At that time still , many Americans were taken off US ships and pressed into service in the British Navy , likewise many Britons , when their ships were captured decided ( but of volition rather than by force ) to join US ships - thus the excuse for pressing US citizens into the British Navy was used , that they were really British !
Things were simpler then - no green card - no visas - and thank God no political correctness !
Ahhhh...
western society, ya gotta love it... We live long, eat healthy, and lead booring lives.
Thank God for an arternate reality where a jelly-legged westerner can become a hard hitting, back breaking, tough-as-nails, soldier with a pair of big ones
western society, ya gotta love it... We live long, eat healthy, and lead booring lives.
Thank God for an arternate reality where a jelly-legged westerner can become a hard hitting, back breaking, tough-as-nails, soldier with a pair of big ones
Cant be doing that that were the IWM gets its existance from!!Who was it had the idea of using that HMS Belfast December weekend to shell parliament ?